Filipino Funeral Etiquette: A Respectful Guide for Wake Visitors

Visiting a wake is one of the most meaningful ways Filipinos show pakikiramay, sharing in a family's grief. If you are unsure what to do, wear or say, this guide will help you show respect and comfort.

Visiting the wake

• Go when you can. Wakes are usually open day and night. Evenings, after the prayers, are when most visitors come.
• Greet the family first, then approach the casket to pay your respects and offer a short prayer.
• Sign the guestbook, if there is one.
• Stay a while. Your presence, even quietly, is a comfort. Keeping the family company through the night is a long-standing tradition.
• Join the prayers if a rosary or novena is being held.
• Keep your voice low and your phone on silent near the casket.

What to wear

Choose simple, modest clothing in black, white or muted colors. Avoid bright red and flashy outfits, which many families consider disrespectful. For the funeral and burial, dress a little more formally. Close family members may wear a black ribbon or pin as a sign of mourning.

What to say

You do not need perfect words. Simple, sincere sympathy means the most:

• “Nakikiramay po ako/kami.” (I/We share in your grief.)
• “Condolence po sa inyong pamilya.”
• “I'm so sorry for your loss. He/She was a wonderful person.”
• Share a short, kind memory of the person.

Avoid asking for details about how the person died, comparing losses, or saying “I know exactly how you feel.” Simply listening is often the best comfort.

Giving abuloy

Abuloy is a monetary contribution to help the bereaved family with funeral expenses. It is a beautiful expression of Filipino bayanihan.

• Place the money in a plain white envelope. You may write your name on it so the family can thank you.
• Drop it in the abuloy box near the casket, or hand it discreetly to a family member.
• Give what you can. There is no required amount, and every contribution is appreciated.

Other ways to help: bring food or drinks for wake visitors, offer to help with chores, or send flowers.

Common customs and beliefs

Many families observe traditional beliefs during the wake. Practices vary by family, region and faith, so follow the family's lead:

• No sweeping the floor while the body lies in state.
• Do not bring home food served at the wake.
• Pagpag: stopping somewhere else before going home after the wake, so that spirits do not follow you.
• Do not walk visitors out or say goodbye too formally when leaving.
• Avoid wearing red to the wake.
• Keeping vigil: someone stays awake beside the casket through the night.

At the funeral and burial

• Arrive early for the funeral Mass or service.
• During the procession, walk quietly behind the family or follow in your vehicle.
• At the cemetery, give space to the immediate family for their final farewell.
• Some families practice passing young children over the casket before burial. Simply observe respectfully.

Respecting different faiths

General Santos City is home to many faith communities. Catholic and Christian families often hold a wake of several days with nightly prayers. Muslim families follow Islamic rites, with burial ideally within 24 hours and without embalming. When visiting families of a different faith, follow the family's customs and ask quietly if you are unsure.

After the funeral

Grief does not end with the burial. Check on the family in the weeks that follow, especially around the pasiyam, the 40th day and the first death anniversary. A simple message, “Thinking of you today,” can mean more than you know.